Here are my takeaway points from Therese Huston’s book Let’s talk– Part 1. Let me know if you are interested in other parts in the comments and I will create other parts too.

Feedback

If giving feedback becomes your superpower, it will help your whole team. Feedback brings best in others if given properly. Feedback can be the liver that turns an average performer into a hardworking worker and a star into a superstar.

There are two schools of thought about feedback:

Ray Dalio and Kim Scott – Challenge directly and care personally when giving the feedback. No binding of weaknesses, problems and mistakes. 

Marcus Buckingham and Ashley Goodall– Focus less on some one’s frustrating mistakes and more on promising successes. 

Both of the strategies mentioned have some cons. Transparency does not work with everyone, as people start leaving, if they are not comfortable with putting all the mistakes or shortcomings on the table, where everyone can see them. On the other hand, celebrating others strengths is good but sometimes problematic behaviours need to be discussed. All mistakes can’t be ignored.

Feedback works, when there is two way communication and there is an element of trust between receiver and giver. According to a survey , people feel better if their hard work is acknowledged, the feedback is accurate and the receiver gets the chance to discuss the feedback with the giver. 

When giving feedback, the key is to activate the other person’s ability to actually hear you, when you are giving the feedback. And it can be done only if you listen.

Kinds of feedback

Feedback is mostly categorised as negative, positive or constructive. But that information is not useful if you are receiving it as you know by listening to the feedback that was positive, negative or constructive. Better way to categorise the feedback is as follows:

• Appreciation: Positive feedback, praise or recognition. Appreciation is about reinforcing a behaviour and also it tells the other person that I see you, you matter to me and you belong here.
• Coaching: Aimed at helping other people adapt, pivot or learn and grow.
• Evaluations: Feedback to let other people know where they stand. The response to the question “where can I improve?” Is usually an evaluation.

All three types of feedback are needed by everyone to feel valued , to grow and to know how the expectations can be met. 

Feedback provider’s mindset

When providing feedback these are the four mindsets:

• In my own mindset , where you want to save yourself and still give feedback, you give feedback using rehearsed phrases, so that you come across confident without feeling uncomfortable and misunderstood. This is not very useful. This is usually not done by people who are new to giving feedback.
• Siding with the problem mindset is when you are at the side of the problem and seeing only the problem and not the point of view of the person you are providing the feedback to. This makes the receiver of the feedback feel like that he/she is on her own in order to resolve the issue and does not have any help or empathy from the feedback provider. E.g. “You have been providing wrong information to people. You need to work on that.”
• Associating the problem with the person mindset is that feedback giver, gives the feedback with fixed mindset for the feedback receiver, assuming that there is a problem with the person which can’t be changed. E.g. “you do not like working with new people”, or “you are not tough enough for the job”. Sometimes people don’t give feedback, because they have any hope that the person can learn or improve.
• Siding with the feedback receiver mindset is the most productive mindset of giving the feedback, where you are at the side of the person you are giving feedback to and you both look at the problem together. When a person feels you are siding with them, it is much easier to hear the hard thing, whatever the hard thing might be, because they are not facing it alone. E.g. “What you do matters to me. You matter to me. You may not realise it but this problem is preventing you from achieving your goals. I am letting you know this because I have high expectations of you Abe. I know you can achieve this’ ‘. 

Etiquettes for providing feedback 

1- Know the goals of the other person.

2- Know what type of feedback other people are seeking, if not known ask instead of assuming.

3- If offering appreciation, first provide in private and ask if that person is comfortable sharing it in public.

4- Don’t do all the talking. Feedback should be a conversation 

5- Know how other person sees the situation